The Pain of Losing My Love

Before 18th May 2021, I had cried precisely four times in my entire life.

For the first few hours, I was completely calm. Sitting beside her, then getting hospital formalities done, trying to figure out " How" and " When " to break the news to Rian(my son)and Amma. And just walking, walking and walking through the Apollo Hospital Parking Alley.

The next morning I received the Death Certificate from the hospital and felt a sudden intense heat in my head.

I walked back to the parking and asked Souniya or Mona or Koel for water. I sat down and broke, for the first time and since then I have been breaking down several times.

I know I have to be strong.

For Rian, For Amma, and most importantly for HER.

But you know what, Fuck That .... I am tired of being strong.

I have been putting up this brave facade for 16 years. Trying to act cool and calm even when the Doctors would say the grimmest of verdicts.

Trichotomy, Ventilator, just a few months, etc etc. Every single time, my Warrior Queen would fight back fiercely and then come back home giving that stupid Grin of hers, saying “Kuch Acchi Baat Bata” and I would say “Abbe Thakele”.

I guess I got used to Winning.

So it took me a long time to process that " Not This Time " and I feel somewhere I Failed. I know CPR would not like it. But randomly I wake up thinking this is just a dream and I will awake withe everything around me being back to normal but ....... sigh

I wanted to thank everyone who has reached out and sent messages and called. I know I have not responded to most of you and my apologies for the same.

Grief has no template and both me and Rian are taking it one day at a time. Trying various things.

We went on a short break to Kashmir, our first ever trip to the valley , was a beautiful experience, thanks to Dilshad . And I managed to break down there too, which scared Rian .

In fact, he has been so strong all this while. Trying to process everything but he keeps dreaming about his mother every single day and night.

She was our Anchor and now for both of us, it just feels so alienated, no clue to What next.

I know time will heal.

Rian and I are working on creating her legacy: The Can Inspire Foundation for Giving a Voice to Underprivileged Girls.

And we will need your help in making it as big as the life Pallavi lived.

Again thank you for all your wishes and messages and calls.

Apologies once again for not responding.

you can read more about CPR, here